101 things they don't teach you on kamino
by AL0LT0
Summary: the title says it all. This is series of fic's about all of the things the kaminans DIDN'T bother to tell/warn the clones about. rated T for safety. not to be taken to seriously. And don't question the cover pic. chapter 7: in which Captain Rex discovers ship wars that have nothing to do with those perviously mentioned.
1. horror movies can be disturbing

**Hola! I've been meaning to write this story for a while now! In case you don't know this is based off of 'birds and bee's', which has got to be the most popular, one-shot I ever wrote. This is going to be a series. And the first chapter was supposed to be about Cut but… this wrote itself! So please enjoy the revenging plot bunny that is '101 things they don't teach you on kamino' :D. **

The rec room was filled with cheep metal fold out chairs, and a holo projector, which had defiantly seen better days, which was aimed at the wall.

The clones of the 501st held a movie night every two weeks and far be it from General Skywalker to deprive them of that. As long as they weren't in battle or in any immediate danger of being blown up he had absolutely no problem with his men taking a break from normal duties and enjoying a holo film every once in a wile. He hadn't been able to attend any of the movies yet but tonight he had arranged for Ahsoka to handle his paper work. As it turned out playing the 'as your master I order you to do something boring wile I go do something awesome' card was a lot more fun when you were on the giving rather than the receiving end.

Anakin walked over to where his Captain and several troopers were discussing what movie they would watch this time.

"No sir we should play this one!" Fives said flatly holding up a colorful holo disc container.

"I out rank you Fives." The Capitan replied smugly smacking the trooper upside the head.

"But sir its my turn to pick!" Fives protested.

"What are you men talking about?" Anakin asked breaking into the conversation. The clones snapped up a quick salute, which Skywalker waved off.

"We're trying to decide what movie to watch sir." Kix, who was standing behind the captain, offered. Anakin grinned.

"What's it come down to?" the Jedi knight peered at the holo disk cases, which Rex held out for him to see.

"We got it down to The Sorcerers Apprentice and Spiderman." Anakin snorted.

"No offence captain but don't you think these movies are a kind of… childish?" Rex's Cheeks turned a little red and several of the troopers around him shifted uncomfortably.

"What would you recommend sir?" Skywalker grinned.

"Hang on a second." The Jedi knight exited the rec room and returned several minutes later with a holo disk in hand. He tossed it to the captain who looked at the cover.

"The human centipede sir?" Rex flipped the disk over and began reading the summery out loud. "A mad scientist kidnaps and mutilates a trio of tourists in order to 'reassemble' them into a new 'pet'- a human centipede, created by stitching their mouths to each others…" Rex coughed and looked visible uncomfortable with the holo disk in his hand. "Sir?" Skywalker grinned.

"Trust me Rex. Its an awesome movie." Rex looked at his brothers who looked just as uncomfortable with the general's choice as he was.

"If you say so sir…"

**92 minutes later…**

"Well?" Anakin asked his captain as he and the rest of the clones half walked half ran out of the rec room. "Was I right? Or was I right?" The captain stood there for moment in silence.

"That…" he said slowly. "Doesn't go there."

"Excuse me?" Anakin asked raising his eyebrow at the clone captain.

"THAT DOSEN'T GO THERE!" Rex screamed before taking off and nearly doing a sward dive into the nearest waste bin. The normally dignified captain did not look so dignified wrenching into a garbage can. Anakin looked around to see most of the clones had similar reactions to the film; some were leaning up against the wall in feeble positions looking green. Others who hadn't made it to a 'fresher or garbage bin had there heads buried in there helmets wrenching.

"O come on guys its just a movie!" Anakin shouted in exasperation. He didn't see why his men were reacting like this. After all it was _not _the worse horror film he could have shone them.

"All do respect sir." Rex said pulling his head out of the trash bin. "Next time I think we'll just stick to Spiderman."

"Agreed." Fives mumbled clutching his stomach and looking green. "I'm starting to wish I had just let you have yer pick captain." Just then Ahsoka rounded the corner, a grin on her face.

"So." She said with a smile. "How was the movie?" Fives covered his mouth with his hand and took off in the direction of the 'fresher. Rex put his head back in the trashcan and went back to throwing up.

"Rex?" the padawan asked placing a hand on his back. "You want to go to the medical bay?" Rex bolted up right his eyes filled with fear.

"NO. DOCTORS!" He practically shrieked before leaning back into the trashcan to continue being sick.

"Master?" Ahsoka asked turning to the General with question. Skywalker shrugged.

"I guess they can't handle horror movies." Ahsoka stood there for a moment looking at the knight.

"Can I see the box?" She asked after a moment. Anakin shrugged and handed her the container the film had come in. Ahsoka read for a second before shacking her head and looking up at her master.

"You do realize you just showed a movie which was 'Rated R for disturbing sadistic horror, violence, nudity and language' to a bunch of ten year olds right?" She looked up at her master, eyebrow raised. Skywalker turned a little pink.

"… That's bad right?" He asked after a moment.

"Yes master… that's bad."

**This is a warning to all you pre and early teens out there. If you're older siblings or friends want you to watch a horror movie…. DON'T! Ok enough about the moral lessons. Review me baby! It's my birthday tomorrow and I want presents! Also I do not own the sorcerers apprentice, spiderman, or the human centipede. **


	2. flip charts can get you out of anything

**Ok so shorter than I like to make chapters.**

**Paint: **_**waaaay**_** shorter.**

**Me: oh shut it and go back to 'unmanageable kayos' where you belong. **

**Paint: fine…**

**Me: anyway back to the fic! :D oh and just a warning there is one word in here that some people might find discomforting… which is why this is rated T.**

* * *

Obi wan Kenobi sat in the middle of his quarters, meditating. He took a dead breath, in and out, letting the force flow through him. In and out, in and out, in and- he posed when he felt the presence of his second in command on the other side of the door.

A knock came a few seconds later and Obi wan got up to answer it.

"Yes commander?" he asked when the door opened to reveal the familiar face of Commander Cody.

Cody Saluted crisply and Obi wan waved off the gesture. Obi wan could feel his uncertainty in the force.

Cody and the rest of the 212th had only been under Kenobi's command for a few weeks and he wasn't yet sure how to act in the generals presence. But he had some questions that needed answering.

"Sir may I talk to you for a minute?" Cody finally asked maintaining his clear military tone. Kenobi nodded and Gestured for the commander to enter his quarters.

Obi wan motioned for the commander to have a seat on his bunk and pulled the chair over from his desk for himself. He sate for a moment looking at the younger man.

"What is it you want to talk about?" Kenobi finally asked when Cody hadn't said anything for several minutes.

Cody looked slightly uncomfortable and swallowed.

"Sir me and my brothers are all fresh off of Kamino." He began. "These past few weeks have been the first time we've left the planet."

Kenobi nodded thoughtfully. He knew this of course. Why was the commander bringing it up?

"And well there are certain things we didn't learn in flash programming or battle simulations." Kenobi could clearly feel the embarrassment radiating off of the younger man and he couldn't help but wonder why he was so uncomfortable. "Some of the civvies." That was what the clones called natural born recruits. "Were talking about some stuff and… I was just wondering if you could answer a few questions the men came to me with."

"I'll answer the best I can." Obi wan said with a kind smile. Cody swallowed.

"What's are genitals?" the commanders tone of voice was completely serious and Kenobi felt his face burn red.

"You…" he swallowed. "Don't know?"

"No sir." Cody shook his head. "They never brought it up during training."

"Well commander you see its… well there kind off…" Kenobi bit his lip and muffled a groan. "There…" the general was suddenly struck with an idea. Why hadn't he thought of it sooner? "Hang on commander I think I have something that will clear up any questions you may have." Obi wan stood from his chair and crossed the room to where his duffle bag lay.

Where was it? He searched through the bag carefully shuffling past a spare set of pants and several manuals before he finally found what he was looking for. It was a good thing he'd kept this after he'd been forced to explain the… facts of life… to Anakin. It may have been a strange keepsake but Kenobi wanted another padawan and if they were young like Anakin was… he would most likely need it again. Of course he never expected to have to use it to explain to a full-grown man (with an already fully developed set of hormones) the… _specifications _of humanoid… anatomy.

Kenobi turned around and handed commander Cody a pocket sized red and white data-pad.

"Sir?" The commander stared at the data pad in confusion.

"This should answer any questions on this subject you may have." Kenobi nodded and commander Cody took this as his cue to leave.

The next day Obi wan found his second in command in the mess hall.

"I hope that cleared things up for you commander." Kenobi commented picking up his food tray. Cody turned a little green.

"Um sir can I ask a favor?"

"Of course commander." Kenobi smiled.

"Next time I ask a question and the answer has something to do with… _that. _Would you please just telling me I don't want to know?"

Kenobi blinked. Looking at the younger for a moment before answering.

"Its necessary-"

"All do respect sir. I'd rather find out about it when and if the situation arises."

* * *

**oh Obi pulling the old flip chart on him? XD thats what my parents did to me and honestly... i wish they'd just told me XD **** Hop this is funny :) please review and let me know! I'll also be taking recommendations *whispers* and anonymous reviews :) just saying. **


	3. a lesson in roman candles

**ME'SA BAAAAAAAAACK! I really have to update more :( **

**Koho: that would be nice, and write a fic about me!**

**Me: oh go away! You're not even in this story!**

**Koho: fine… **

**Anyway please enjoy the little bit of silliness below. I originally got the idea wile listening to 'firecracker' and the thought was rekindled by Shakespeareaddict's story 'after the order'. So ya enjoy. :) Oh and I don't CARE if Denel was supposed to be dead at this point cool people never die!**

* * *

_**Boom!**_

Denel's eyes shot open and panic coursed through his body.

_**Boom!**_

He was out of bed in an instant, gun drawn and ready. His armor was on in 48.8 seconds. Years of training making strapping and clipping the plastoid pieces together second nature.

_**Boom! Boom! **_

Denel crouched down low and slowly crawled on his hands and knee's to the window.

_**Boom! **_

A bright flash of red and blue lights went off in front of him. Causing the sergeant to block his eyes.

_**BOOM!**_

So it'd finally happened. Sobeck must have gotten Tarkin and Piell to spill the hyperspace jump coordinates after all. The separatists where invading Coruscant!

_**Boom! **_

Denel ducked low and quickly made his way to his hotel room door. He had opted to spend his weekend leave away from the barracks. His mistake. He had to get back to base. He had to help-

Denel froze when he saw a young wroonian girl sitting on the sidewalk in front of the hotel. The child was staring up at the sky. It seemed as though nothing in the galaxy could break the child's trance.

_**Boom, boom, boom!**_

The sky flashed green and blue causing Denel to dive for cover.

"What the kriffin dar'yam are you doin' kid!" Denel scolded mentally himself for using language like that with an 8 year old. But couldn't she see how dangerous this was? The sergeant didn't even stop to ponder the strange multi-colored lights that seemed to replace the screams and destruction he knew to accompany shrapnel booms.

"Your funny." The girl giggled. Not taking her eyes off the sky.

_**Boom!**_

She gasped in aw as a lavender rain of lights illuminated the sky.

"Kid listens to me." Denel practically begged. "You _need _to take cover. Its not safe-"

_**Boom! **_

"See!"

The girl sighed swinging her skinny legs back and forth off the sidewalk curb, nothing but the anti-gravity guards keeping her from falling into the seemingly endless abyss of streets below.

They where in a darker section of Coruscant. Only the occasional street lamp and the endless traffic bellow them provided light. Surprisingly to Denel, he and the girl where the only one's out. Where was everyone?

In the sergeant's experience, booms like this caused mass panic among the civilian population. But everything seemed so calm. Why?

_**Boom!**_

Denel flinched as another of the explosions went off, painting the sky red.

"Silly." The girl laughed again. "Haven't you ever seen roman candles before?" Denel blinked in confusion, curiosity momentarily overruling his survival instincts. The explosions didn't seem to be anywhere near them. But he still needed to get the girl inside though.

"No…" he frowned. "You _really _need to bet inside kid, it's not sa-"

_**Boom!**_

The little girl shook her head, eyes still glued to the Coruscant sky.

"It's 'la festivala' silly." She grinned up at the shower of golden sparks. "It's a celebration."

_**Boom!**_

Denel blinked in confusion. He'd herd rumors about this from some of his brothers, how civilian celebrated _holidays _with bright colored lights and load noises. It seemed pointless to him. Why would they want to watch something that on a battlefield you'd be trying to get _away _from?

"Come look." The girl gestured to the spot on the curb next to her. "I used to be scared of them to when I was little." Denel felt his face turn red beneath his helmet. He was _not _scared.

"Fine." He took a careful seat next to the girl, swallowing down the adrenalin coursing through his veins. She was right, there was no threat. He could clearly see that now.

_**BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!**_

Denal jumped in spit of himself. It took all of his self control not to dive for cover. The girl seemed to notice this.

"I'll hold your hand if you want." She offered her tinny hand to him in a gesture of friendship. "That way you wont be so scared."

Denal sighed. "Kid I'm not-"

_**Boom! **_

The sergeant took the little girls offered hand in his large gloved one. He held it gently, afraid her fingers would break under his hold. She was so small…

"See." The girl gestured to the sky as it lit up with a rainbow of lights.

_**Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!**_

"Aren't they pretty?" she smiled, her stary black eyes shining.

_**Boom!**_

In spit of himself a small smile creped its way onto Denels face, he watched with rapt attention as a shower of sparks fell through the air.

"ya kid… I guess it is."

* * *

**Well? Like? I just felt like righting something cute, (not romantic) or angsty or anything. So please review :) and please excuse any grammar mistakes I'm trying my very best. **


	4. always remember what your cooking

**Hayo and welcome to this pathetically short chapter of '101 things' -_- seriously though I'm having some SEREOUS trouble with 'unmanageable kayos' and though this is short its all I got right now :( I think it was shakespeareaddict who suggested cooking so enjoy 8D**

Aalya Secura froze in her tracks upon entering the kitchen. She, along with several of her troopers, had crash-landed on one of the more remote sectors of Dattooine. Their ship had sustained heavy damage and they where now waiting on Jedi master Quin Lan Vas to pick them up. Several republic supporters had been kind enough to give a place to stay for the night.

Two of her men, Lucky and Flash had been assigned to preparing dinner. (Though why Bly had thought it was a good idea to let them do so without at least Cameron's supervision was beyond her.) So she, being there general, was checking up on them.

Nothing could have prepared her for what she found in the kitchen.

Small bits of various types of food where scattered around the kitchen, she noticed someone had broken several nuna eggs and dumped the content of them into the sink. (She wasn't entirely sure what happened to the shells) a pile of golden fruits lay smashed up next to a tipped over carton of blue milk on the counter and everything seemed to be covered in a thick layer of flower.

It was a _complete_ disaster.

And then there was the smell. Like burned eopy meat covered in sour blue milk.

Flash and Lucky where bent over a smoking pot filled with some kind of grayish goop, every couple of minute one or the other would toss some random spice or ingredient into the 'stew' causing it to bubble and… _squelsh _as if it where alive and just waiting to hop out of the pot.

After recovering from the initial shock Secura drew herself up to her full height and cleared her throat.

"What are you men doing?"

Both troopers spun around to face there general throwing up sharp salutes and shouting out there acknowledgment of 'ma'am'.

Aalya waved them out. Peering around the two men to stair at the bubbling pot of gray goop behind them. "What… _exactly _are you men making?".

Lucky shifted from one foot to the other leaving the answer to Flash.

"Well…" Flash shrugged slightly trying to lighten the tension in the room. "…We forgot about 15 minutes ago…"

As if to prove his point the pot choose now to blow up behind them.

No it _literally _blew up behind them.

Small chunks and glomps of gray mush went flying across the room. It caked the walls, splattered the ceiling and drenched the counter top surrounding the stove.

Immediately after the explosion, the smoke detectors went off causing ice-cold water to rain down on all three of them.

They stood there in absolute silence for what felt like eternity, until Lucky finally spoke up.

"Sir?..."

"Clean it up troopers."

**Please review? I'm a little desperate. **


	5. a lesson in female anatomy

**I regret nothing.**

* * *

Hardcase was confused.

Very, very hopelessly confused.

And confusion was not an activity he enjoyed.

Better to just run head long into the situation than sit around wondering about it. That was his opinion.

Of course no one else seemed to agree… but that was their problem.

Hardcase sat back in his seat on the turbo lift glancing once again at the object of his confusion.

What WHERE they?

He'd tried asking Kix.

The medic had blushed like a corelian schoolgirl and refused to answer him.

So he'd gone a little higher up and asked Jesse.

Same result.

Frustrated, he'd gone to his Captain for answers.

And still… all he got was a damn blush and a quick shooing out of the room of his CO's office.

What did it take to get some strait answers around here?

The turbo lift bounced slightly and Hardcase was SURE they moved.

Did that mean they where soft?

But how did that make sense? Why would they be soft?

What where they _for._

He wanted to know.

But the more he thought about it the more it boggled him.

Judging by the information he'd gathered so far they where soft, buoyant and their size seemed to vary depending on the person wearing them.

And yes, their was more than on person wearing them.

Commander Ahsoka had them, as well as several of the Jedi generals. He also noticed that, that senator General Skywalker was always hanging around with had a relatively large set of them.

So what WHERE they?

For a time he'd thought perhaps it was a civilian thing. But that couldn't be right. General Skywalker didn't have them, and neither did General Kenobi.

Extra amo storage maybe?

But if that was true why weren't they standard issue? And why did the commander ALWAYS have them on her? Why not take them off after battle?

Well he supposed if he had extra ammo storage he wouldn't want to just leave it in his room… but he and the commander where very different people.

She didn't even have a blaster!

And why would Senetor Amidala walk around with so much extra ammo on her person?

It didn't make any sense.

So his question persisted. WHAT. WHERE. THEY?

He gave up questioning specific people and started asking around, but no mater which group of brothers he questioned the reactions where always the same. Blushes, shrugs or a flat out 'I don't know'. (Or in most cases 'what's it matter?')

Hardcase did NOT appreciate being treated like he was stupid.

He wasn't stupid.

He just wanted to know WHAT THE KRIFF THEY WHERE!

And he was beginning to suspect that he wasn't the only clone on this ship that didn't know.

Harcase was not a man made famous by his patience… quite the opposite actually.

And DAMN if this wasn't trying his patience.

So he went for the direct approach, just like he did in battle.

He walked right up to Commander Tano and asked her. She had to know right? She walked around with them all the time.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Next time, Hardcase just stick to blasting droids.

* * *

**Short, chap was short. and half of it is left over from like 6 mounths ago... Oh well at least it's something… I was looking back at my story states and I realized that at 64 reviews for a measly 4 chapters, this was easily the most popular thing I'd ever written 0.0 but it's still got nothing on Unmanageable Kayos… seriously that's an OC story why is it so kriffing popular? You realize that, if you line up all my stories based on how many people have read them, Unmanageable kayos wins by over 1,000 views? Seriously…. I gotta update that thing if it gets me that many people….**

**Please review? :)**


	6. Gossip leads to… more gossip

**I don't know. **

**I don't EVEN know.**

**This literally wrote itself…. I have the worst headache right now… **

**CRACK. This chapter is not to be taken seriously AT ALL!**

* * *

Fives blew out a long breath of air, gazing up at the ceiling of his new barracks. It'd been a week since he and Echo's transfer to the five-oh-first and he'd be honest… it was shaping up to be boring so far. They hadn't been deployed for a mission yet, and wile painting their armor had occupied a good few hours of their time there wasn't much else for them to do with the rest of it.

He'd even taken to experimenting with his appearance, finding he liked the goatee look on himself (if only as a silent tribute to Cutup) and he was currently contemplating a tattoo.

"Watcha thinkin' 'bout shiny?"

Fives looked up, scowling a little bit at the man who had addressed him, shifting slightly to make a point of showing the scratches (light that they where) he'd earned on Rishi.

"Well?" The trooper grinned at him, and Fives struggled to come up with a name, Punch, he thought it was.

"Nothing." Fives shook his head, continuing to stare up at the ceiling. "Not much to think about anyways."

Punch snorted, always something to think about in the Five-oh-first brother. That's your first lesson."

Fives raised an eyebrow, sitting up in his bunk and looking over at the man inquisitively.

"Punch is right Fives." Hardcase spoke up eagerly from his bunk, Fives knew him well, and liked him. He reminded him a lot of Cutup in a way, much like Jester reminded him of Droidbait. "There's always something to think about around here." He dropped his voice to a conspirator whisper. "Did you hear? The captain went with General Skywalker to report to the temple."

"I didn't know that!" the shout came from a little down the isle, and a bald trooper planted himself on the edge of Fives bunk. "Is the commander with them?"

"Nope." Hardcase was grinning like an idiot, and a roar of noise shot threw the crowded barracks, Fives could hear several 'I told you so's as well as more than a few 'this proves nothing!'s and even cout several credits being passed back and fourth.

"What's going on?" Fives raised an eyebrow at the men, brow furrowed in confusion; he glanced over at Echo's bunk. But his brother wasn't looking at him, eyes still glued to his data pad.

Hardcase was next to him in seconds, knocking him on the back. "Come on bro how can you not be in on this yet? you've been on this ship for a WEEK!"

Fives continued to watch him in confusion.

"Aw, leave him alone, they left him in his growth jar to long." The comment came from a new trooper, medic- he thought. "Besides we've been hooked up with the two-twelfth for a wile. You know how much quieter it gets when Kenobi's in the mix. I don't blame him for missing it."

"You're just saying that cause you missed it the first time Coric." Hardcase was grinning stupidly.

"Missed what?" Fives looked back and forth between them in confusion.

Hardcase's grin widened, and he leaned down to whisper conspiratorially in Fives ear. "The captain and General are banging."

Fives mouth dropped open.

"No they're not!" The protest came from above him, and Fives looked up to see that the man on the bunk above him (Sketch?) was watching them. "I mean… it's obvious the captain and commander have something going. Besides, General Skywalker doesn't really seem like the 'brother' type."

'Brother' type? What was that supposed to mean?

"aw he swings that way and you know it! why you think he never showers with the rest of the trooper?" Hardcase had his hands planted on his hips. Both eyebrow raised.

"Neither does commander Ahsoka." Sketch pointed out.

"Aw you're both wrong." It was Punch speaking this time. "I'm telling you. General and Commander. All the way. First and Second."

"That is _gross!" _This came from Coric. "He's twice her age!"

"And Rex is ten." Someone, a trooper Fives didn't know, added. "The generals like… old enough to be his _dad _or something!"

"We're all ten Speed."

"But _still_."

"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?" Fives looked around wildly, eyes catching Echo once again, who hadn't moved from his position, before running back and fourth between all the near identical faces that had crowded around.

Coric sighed, looking around at all the men. "Who wants to explain it?"

"Not me."

"I did last time."

"No way."

"Make Hardcase do it."

"You piece of rankweed!"

"Alright that's enough!" Coric sighed in exasperation, shaking his head before looking at Fives firmly. "We got a little wager going around the barracks. See you might not have figured it out yet but the CO's in the Five-oh-first are a bit-"

"bent."

"strange."

"weird."

"Right." Coric glared at the interruptions. "The point is we've basically come to the conclusion that theres gotta be some kind of-"

"Sexual tension."

"Lovey-dovy."

"Banging."

"A_nyways_." Coric scowled at them. "We've got a betting pool running on it. Three main teams."

"Captain and Comander."

"Captain and General."

"Or General and Commander."

"And then there's the random brother or two who thinks all three of them are-"

"Wait, wait, wait… what?" Fives was looking at them as though they'd all gone postal. "You think they're… _what_?"

"Screwing. Duh. Man these shinnies just get dumber and dumber don't they?"

Fives glared at the offender, and Punch raised his hands in mock surrender.

"Did it ever occur to you guys that maybe there not doing it together at all?" This question came from farther down, and Fives followed the voice to a scar-ridden trooper with mismatched eyes.

Hardcase rolled his eyes. "Why you gotta be such a kill joy Chopper ol' boy?"

The scarred trooper glared at him, climbing off his bunk and walking over, taking a seat next to Punch.

"I'm not ruining your fun… I'm just saying… haven't you ever noticed that Commander Cody and Captain Rex spend an awful lot of time alone?" Chopper smirked at the end of it.

a pillow was chucked at his face.

"Don't _say _that!" the shriek came from Hardcase. "Commander Cody would _never _cheat of General Kenobi!"

there was a general rawer of agreement and Chopper raised his hands in defeat. Coric spoke up.

"I still think Comander Codys doing Comander Offee."

"_NO!"_ the trooper who'd been identified as Speed looked mortified. "Commander Offee and Commander Gree will _never be apart_!"

"Commander Gree is with General Unduli you dikut!" Hardcase jumped up on his bunk, pointing down at the trooper as though he where a god speaking to a mortal.

Speed jumped up on his own bunk, looking outraged. "No! General Unduli is _clearly_ with General Windu!"

"But General Windu is with General Gallia!"

"you only think that cause they're both _black_."

"I am not racist!"

"are to!"

"are not!"

"WILL YOU BOTH BE QUITE!" Fives was massaging his temples, looking at them as though they where insane and trying to follow their conversation. "Where do you guys _get this stuff?"_

everyone around him exchanged silent glances, as if communicating telepathically before Chopper answered Fives.

"We know what to look for."

Fives face palmed.

"Now back to the matter at hand." Hardcase clapped his hands together to bring back everyones attention. "General Skywalker and Captain Rex where due at the council chambers at aproximetly 0900 hours. It is currently 1503. They where expected back abourd the _resolute _precisely one hour and thirty three minutes ago. What explanation have you."

several hands shot up and Hardcase pointed to Speed as though he where the teacher.

"They could be getting a drink."

There was a general mumble of agreement, and Hardcase smacked his hands together for order.

"Precisely! Does anyone have anything to add?"

Punches hand shot up. "It could be a date!"

The voices came again in agreement, and Fives watched the whole thing with an open mouth.

Sketch pocked his head down from the top bunk. "How do you know there not just going drinking as friends?"

He received a pillow to the face for his insolence.

"Now," Hardcase let his feet fall from under him, landing with a thunk on the edge of his bunk. "If this assumption is correct this would be their eleventh confirmed date. Therefore according to our research-"

Hardcase bent to rummage around under his bunk, producing a glossy, dog eared, ancient looking magazine (they still had those?) with pictures of several smiling females in pink orange, and other nicely colored casual clothing. He flipped open the magazine to a place he had marked with a piece of flimsy.

"-They have officially exited the 'honeymoon stage' and are currently entering something called the 'steady' stage. Meaning cutesy behavior _will_ subside-"

A general grown of disappointment.

"-But increased closeness and physical contact can be expected."

A roar of approval.

"_So_." Hardcase raised his voice over the excitement. "It is our role as the 'friends' figures to support the captain in this new relationship, and encourage the General 'subtly and casually' towards the purchase of various objects to show the captain his affection."

"I still don't think they're doing it."

The voice came with a rouse of agreement from the men who had earlier objected to the Captain and General being together.

"QUITE!" Hardcase shouted over the complaints, putting his hands on his hips. "We cross examined specific relationships ONLY WHEN SAID SITTUATION ARISES!"

"Why should we cross examin a relationship that isn't happening?" the question came from Punch, who had his arms folded across his chest.

"Quite you." Hardcase stuffed his face into the glossy magazine once again. "Some of us are trying to have a sereous conversation."

Several troopers shouted their agreement.

Punch rolled his eyes, but made no move to leave the little circle that had been formed around Fives' bunk. No one did actually.

The conversation continued, and Hardcase took a back seat to allow Kix take up the conversation from a 'medical' standpoint, many parts causing Fives to turn pink around the ears wile the rest of the Five-oh-first simply sat in wrapped attention.

Fives shot a glance over at Echo.

His brother hadn't looked up from the data pad, and Fives got the feeling he was actually looking to see if there was any regulation against discussing potential relationships between their CO's.

_These people are insane…_ Fives was beginning to question joining the Five-oh-first, and he wondered absently if Rex knew what his men talked about when he was out of the room. _least I know I'll never be a part of it… _

**_~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~TWO WEEKS LATER~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~_**

Fives was standing on his bunk, waving a teal colored magazine in his hand wildly as he argued with Hardcase, the fresh ink tattoo clearly identifying him from his brothers.

**5**

"I'm _telling you!_" He waved the magazine in Hardcases face, trying to show him the results of a personality quiz. "According to this article 'Ten Ways To Tell If He Likes You' the Captain has shown only FIVE of these methods towards the General. EIGHT of them towards the Commander!"

From his bunk, Echo kept his eyes on his rig manual, not wanting to get into it.

Fives was such a fanboy…

* * *

**Various pairings… clones acting like teenaged girls… what? you expected something serious? XP REVIEW!**


	7. Never read Twilight

**this doesn't even deserve to be a chapter it's so frigging short.**

The books had been circulating the barracks for a wile now. Who had originally found them was a mystery. In addition to where said person had scraped up the money to buy them, and why said person, after buying them would just leave them for some other man to find.

It was a mystery that had been the topic of more than one late night within the barracks. But wherever the books had come from they where there. and just about every man in the barracks had read them at one point or another.

And so, of course, the debates had sprung up.

Rex, hadn't originally seen the point in it. But his men had been adamant about the importance of said debates. Rex hadn't yet come into contact with the books, but he had received a detailed, slightly rambling description of their content from one of his men (Hardcase) and had also been informed by said man (Hardcase) that the argument was pretty much pointless because they'd all read the series and the book itself had settled the conflict. (This statement had made it obvious which side of the debate he was on.)

The captain still didn't fully understand the significance of the series, but he did know it was rather important to his men (their debates had been reduced to little more than random bouts of screaming in which both sides shouted the name of their respective supported male character with 'team' tagged on before it.)

So Rex called Captains rights and took the books the next time they became available.

…

Team Jacob. FTW.

**i will go die for my lack of substantial updates to anything now. **


End file.
